I have given up, lost, or had taken from me more than I had bargained with this process of deconstruction. Relics of doctrine that have been my fortress are all smashed. In the beginning stages of this journey--admitting the fallacy of doctrines--what gave me slithers of hope was the idea of one day seeing something new and glorious standing in the ruin. The dust has finally settled. What I see, instead, is clear, open terrain; nothing. It's more beautiful than any replacement home I could have conjured. It is the essence of freedom.
Letting go must come in stages. When it appears the road is evening out, another hard turn shows itself. Recent days have revealed another leg of this journey that forces acceptance. Feeling forgotten and replaced had become lodged within hurt and anger. Coping with this has been too difficult to face until this moment. Coming to terms that seasons do, in fact, change; accepting that things and people fall away, turn away, or simply become otherwise occupied; letting go of what is no longer and embracing what currently is -- this monumentous task is mostly behind me now. Another turn or two in the road and it will be another point of interest on this quest.
The remaining debris from the past two years has been contained in a room that was left in shambles. Sorting and letting go could only be accomplished by facing one box at a time. At this moment, this room is empty. The broken glass has been swept up, the floor is polished, and the walls are bare. I am not attempting to refill and re-clutter. Instead, I will close the door behind me and, blinking, walk out into the day.
19 comments:
That is absolutely beutiful. I have been waiting for this day to come for you for a long time, and I knew it would. You love God too much for it not to have happened.
The forgiveness. It is the last step into the freedom. Forgiving and forgetting all of the things from the past that have had a hold on you. I remember the day, December 23, 1995. The feeling lasted an entire 7 hour trip to my parents house for christmas. It was awesome. The Freedom of Christ.
Thank you Nate. I no longer feel like I can move ahead because I have something to hold on to. It's more that I am settled in myself and no longer need that safety rope that I kept groping for; be it through relationships or structure or teaching. I will miss this last part of my heart that I am closing the door on but the freedom gained will be well worth it.
What's also interesting is that the link I circled back to on broken glass was the first post that you and Jon joined me on this chaotic process. Ironic? God? Either way - appreciative for this process and all of you that have fought your own battles for the same freedom.
If you're up for it, try reading James Fowler's stages of faith. It helped me to identify that this demythologization process of dismantling doctrines is normal and a very healthy part and progression of faith. I read this and suddenly felt less abnormal, less lonely.
This IS beautiful. It's wonderful to recognize those corner-turning moments in this journey. Blessings to you as you move forward.
Erin - I am much appreciative for the grace to see it. So many times I slam through days without recognizing anything of value.
D - I'll try to look into that reading. Comments from fellow pilgrims in exile have certainly helped me realize that I'm not as crazy and alone as I initially assumed.
You write so beautifully. I gained some hope and courage from your words here. Thank you!
Walking Away - We are all here to help each other scooch forward. I am glad you found this encouraging.
Scooching forward...that's a good one. So true. ;-)
more than anything, since i joined this little journey of yours for a moment, i see hope beginning to bleed through in your writing. and i am glad.
Beautiful. This is very poignant, and very true. I'm glad you are able to begin to move forward. Love ya, girl!!
I often wonder Michelle, during your toughest times, was my rambling a help or hinderance?
This was a beautiful post, Michelle.
Erin - "scooching" I have to give proper credit on that one to Anne Lammott.
Jon, Ann & Amy - thank you. There are more glimpses of hope lately than before. I am trying to appreciate those moments when I can see them.
Nate - Your comments have always been a help, yours and everyone that has stopped by and mulled over my ramblings. I hope you'll continue to visit and post. This journey is still quite long and winding ahead for all of us!
I've read all Anne Lamott and didn't recognize that...but in any case it's a good descriptor.
Michelle - your words always paint a picture. And the pictures you find....they tell a thousand words. I loved the "Monkey Mind" one a few posts back.
This is a picture of you for the next leg of your journey.
Thank you Ruth. The monkey-mind picture made me laugh. I needed it at the moment.
I love the picture you chose. I do hope you're right!
:-)
Hey, I will be here as long a I can.
Or as long as you are still interesting. (it is really hard to do sarcasm in writing without actully pointing it out.)
Nate -
I'm glad you'll stick around. I get boring sometimes. But you have to keep checking back to see when another fit might flare up! :-)
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